Monday, August 13, 2007

celebrity revenge

Perhaps you’ve noticed. There’s a whole industry out there whose entire purpose is to generate insecurity. At first glance, it appears to be geared to make the public covet the lives of the celebrities. Like – “These people know good living” and “Here’s their gadjillion-acre beachfront. Maids lick the sand up from the tiles!”

But then notice the turn, when gossip mags rag on the celebrities. There are pages devoted to “Worst dressed!” “Tackiest Couples,” “Carlotta and Craig - Headed for divorce?” "Kelly's wild party nights, what’s Madge to do?” and "Who's Gay in Hollywood?" These seem designed to generate insecurity in the celebrities.

If “the stars” are so media savvy, why don''t they turn the tables on these people? Why spit, punch, scream, spill or verabally tirade when the stars can publish their own magazine – The Uninquired or LittleTeenyTinyInsignificantPeople.com or maybe just Roadkill – featuring the lives of pop journalists, photographers and celeb features editors. It should include pics of the author of “Ricardo and Margo – in trouble?” hunkering down in her cubicle, chowing another HaagenDaz, the twenty pound overweight – or is it pleasantly plump? – worst dressed analyst, hunched over the copier, and the trashed mobile home of Tony, celeb photog, as he lies splayed across the couch in another three-day binger, note the absolute lack of children, pets or spouse that need to be fed. Poor them.

From there, "the stars" could move on to the public at large, the audience for celebrity garbage. Go on, Bite the Hand that Feeds You – in fact, it'd be a good title for this feature– and could cash in on photos of the elderly thumbing through pages of the glossies, cigarette butts and emphysemic cats everywhere, rapt housewives discussing the latest, coupled with insets of their husbands dallying with strippers, balding truckers at the checkout eyeing a front page and scratching their jocks, cancer-stricken patients drawing in last shaky breaths while catching up on the latest “star” activity, and just about anyone who can't flee the onslaught quickly enough.
Of course, these magazines should include full page editorials by celebrities whining about how misportrayed they are, and amusing little anecdotes about brushes with ordinary people, say when they got their tires rotated or had a mole removed or made some other lark into averageness. I think I might enjoy reading about ordinary people for a change.

Although the reason celebrities don't write about ordinary people is because we're so insignificant.

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