Reality TV

Yesterday, I received a call from Neilsen or Gallup or something. The woman on the other end really, really wanted to impress upon me how important my contribution would be, that it was her agency's duty to get a random sample of the American public, that no matter how little TV I watched, the results only I could give would be of great service. I was about to give in, but thought I'd check just one more time -- "You really want to ask me questions about the shows I watch, even when I don't physically own a TV?"
"No TV?"
"No."
"I thought when you said you didn't watch TV --"
"I meant I didn't watch TV."

She let me go.

Then I went over to a friend's house, and he was watching a program called "Elimadate," which featured a bachelor coveted by four -- I wouldn't say desperate, maybe "fame seeking" is more accurate -- females. The bachelor dated all four together, and then eliminated them as the night wore on.

Personally, I could tell he'd pick the quiet, cute (recreational) bisexual, just after he rejected the older "Cherylann - I'm internationally known" specimen, but before the sex yoga and jello-wrestling. I was not surprised. This show failed to inform me about anything pop-cultural I didn't already know. Therefore, I've developed three pilots that address issues I'd actually be curious about.

The Battle of the Sexually Undecided
An open-minded male contestant is simulateously wooed by a bevy of establishedly gay males and straight females. Alternative episode: a woman is wooed by a passle of lesbians and straight men.

Because: I want to know who will win the heart of the sexually undecided? And can homo- and hetero-sexism be kept at bay?

Battle of the Who-Would-He-Do?
Take your average socially-retarded person, trench coat, fedora, suspenders, moccassins, body odor, virginity and all. Who will he choose, now given the choice? Will it be a stereotypically trampy vamp? An intellectual? A fellow World of Warcraft addict?

A mission of mercy, people, Channel 3 at 7 Central and Mountain.

The subject in question is contractually bound to surrender his virginity by week six, but can he manage not to alienate all of the contestants by then?

Battle of the Playa Pimps or "Who Got Game?"
This show takes would-be gang-bangin, star-f***ing Romeos to decide WHO IS THE BIGGEST PLAYA OF THEM ALL??

The female targets of this drama know the male contestants are playas, so we get to see which techniques, scams, lines, and driveups actually succeed. The Pipeline Masters of Playas, if you will.

Women rank individual playas on technique to decide "he got game." Extra points go to pimps who actually score.

Subjects can try out themselves, or be nominated as contestants by friends and exes.

Because: I'd finally get to see the men with "Pimp Daddy" tinted Caddy windows throw down.

Variation: Most Charismatic Gay Playa of the Year, etc.

Must see TV.